Too much

Sometimes I wonder...
Actually a lot lately...

Is it too much to want to walk down the snowy roads of Finland dressed in some ridiculously expensive thermal gear, and breathe the icy air?
Is it too much to want to see the world below and feel a little light headed and full of vertigo from the heights of Machu Pichu?
Is it too much to want to go back to Poland and live there for 6 months, to really feel like my home from before?
Is it too much that I want to go to Turkey to see the Gobekli Tepe and stand in the oldest temple in the world?
Is is too much to wonder what it would be like to doing a little more of what I want and a little less of what I have to?
Is it too much to wonder if all the wrong choices or the good choices or whatever choices got me here and maybe that is not where I currently want to be?
Is it too much to wonder if we all just run out of time and dreams and sit there old and sick and frankly quite devastated...about never going...doing...feeling

I wonder...

Tomorrow land

Firstly is tomorrowland one word or two...I don't know.

I look back over the last, say, 10 years or so, and they seem to have gone past me with a speed of light. Like a race car...whrooooommm....
Judging by the speed of the years rushing past, and how we often feel that the older we get, the faster the years fly by...I don't actually have a whole lot of living left.
And that is the truth.

So I am seriously, maybe for the very first time ever, starting to consider my own mortality. And what it might feel like in 10 years time, when I look back and regret not doing something I wanted to do, or being someone I wanted to be.

Turning 50 feels like a very important event in my life, and I never pay much attention to birthdays.
It feels like I should be sitting down and seriously considering what I should do with the rest of my (perhaps rather short) life.

I need to make a list.
I need to write it down here, as this is not a list I should make and promptly lose as most of other lists that I have ever made.

Make a list.
Don't lose it.

Sounds like a plan.

I need to plan what I should be doing in tomorrow-land. (One word or two? Maybe hyphen).

The curse

I turned 50 and almost exactly at the same time my periods stopped. What are the chances of this happening right on the dot? I don't know but it felt weird and creepy.  It's like my body has decided, lets not muck about here you are 50, time to accept that you are old. Bam!

Considering that my menstruation was always regular like clockwork...it sort of came as a shock. And this is where the funny part starts.

I thought, hold on, am I not meant to have some sort of menopausal symptoms prior to your period stopping? Hot flushes, hormonal imbalances, pain, being cranky....all the misery that other women talk about. My friends talk about.

I pondered for a few days on that topic exactly.
I went back in my mind searching for symptoms of dreaded menopause in the past few years...months maybe.
OMG...
...
wait...
....
O.M.G

Waking up in the middle of the night being super hot and then being cold and putting the covers back on. Hot flushes? Standing in the shopping centre buying clothes and thinking, seriously they should adjust the air con it's like super hot in here my hair is sweating from roots up..and then forgetting about it a couple of minutes later. Hot flushes? Waking up in the night every few months with stupid painful period pain and shovelling painkiller in my mouth and then walking around for an hour until pain stops. Pain? Planning to divorce my husband because he did not take the garbage out again! Grumps? Feeling low and old and tired and cranky...then feeling ok again. Hormonal imbalance?

O.M.G

I think I am going through menopause and I didn't notice!
Too busy to notice.
I am used to feeling off and miserable and just getting on with it.
Yep, that's me.

Anyway, I have purchased about 10 books on menopause from an online bookstore and am starting to read those. I might as well pay more attention to what is happening to my body and mind.
Will post the titles later.